ASK AMY: Relationship is in trouble if values ​​don’t line up

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Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and for the most part it has been amazing!

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This is the best relationship I have ever had.

We are very in love. We have talked about marriage and one day starting our own family (he has three children, I have none).

The problem is that recently, my perspective regarding the things that I have believed throughout my life has changed.

For example, I have believed in monogamy and have worked hard to be monogamous.

However, I no longer feel like monogamy is right for me.

I no longer have any desire to be with just one person for the rest of my life. I don’t want to deprive myself of the experiences this ONE life has to offer.

I revealed my feelings to my boyfriend over the summer and suggested an open relationship. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life, because as much as I love him and he loves me, I don’t think I can handle it.

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I told him I didn’t see any other way our relationship could work. Everything seemed fine until she found out that I had actually slept with someone else (actually, multiple people).

He is obviously hurt, although I have tried to explain to him how my sexual desires for other people do not reflect my love for him.

He says he’s fine with my choice, but he’s visibly upset.

It hurts to see him hurt, which is not funny.

I started coaching and am trying to be patient to see if you can actually do this, but is it okay to continue with this, knowing that I have no intention of being monogamous and knowing how much that hurts?

– Open and lost in the south

Dear Open: Let’s assume your opinion on this is correct, as your polyamorous lifestyle is devastating for your boyfriend.

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Love relationships are supposed to exist along a basically balanced axis. Members don’t always get what they want when they want it, but ideally they share core values. A core value is a behavior or belief that you place at the center of your life.

Monogamy is a core value.

Polyamory is too.

These two values ​​are in direct conflict.

Is it fair for you to continue in a relationship where your choices hurt and belittle someone who loves you? Are you being loving and kind to your partner?

The answer is no.

Are your personal decisions affecting your children? Probably. (At the very least, their father’s confusion or sadness will affect his behavior toward them.)

I suppose you are making efforts to protect yourself and your boyfriend from STDs, but is it healthy to connect with multiple sexual partners during a pandemic?

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Probably not.

Dear Amy: Our niece of almost 12 years has announced to the family that her preferred pronouns are now they / they. Now they want to be called by a name that is typically used for children.

This has been welcomed with the support of parents with open arms, in keeping with their laissez faire approach to parenting.

I often find myself reacting to her parenting style (i.e. going crazy in restaurants) critically, making it difficult for me to separate what is good for her daughter in terms of guidance and let the child use another. Possibly temporary way of controlling the whole family.

Does a good aunt, who has generally been a rare authority figure in a child’s life, throw herself into her gender by experimenting wholeheartedly, or does a good aunt stick to tradition (using her birth name) until it’s more obvious? that the child is not cisgender? ?

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– Good aunt

Dear aunt: You cannot decide someone else’s gender, even if you suspect that this statement is a temporary experiment.

A good aunt allows parents to chart their own course, even if she disagrees with him, keeps her mouth shut (unless the child is in physical danger), and loves her nieces and nephews without harsh judgment, such as are.

Dear Amy: I’m glad you suggested that “Teacher in a Dilemma” make an effort to find the owner of a collection that she left in her classroom many years ago.

I liked your suggestion that I post a photo of an item to prove true ownership. You should contact a local librarian for help with this. It could save you time and energy if you are inexperienced with social media.

– Love a mystery

Dear mystery: Great suggestion!