Editor’s note: Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and relationship contributor for CNN. He is the author of a guide for couples, “Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”
Many heterosexual male clients come to my office admitting that they chose their partner without considering sexual attraction.
During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will claim that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel desire. Maybe it’s stress, low testosterone, or anxiety.
But when I meet with him individually, he often tells me a different story. He tells me that he chose his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.
Why would a person choose a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that didn’t exist in the first place be cultivated later?
I have spoken to many men in their 30s who told me, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.”
Characteristics on that list include “she will be my best friend,” “she will be an amazing mother,” “our friends and family get along great,” and “she really loves me.” The only box that wasn’t checked? Sexual attraction and often men didn’t even mention that quality to begin with.
I was stunned.
Sexuality is the only thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I find it to be a kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together during difficult times. That’s why I’m surprised that so many people devalue sex when choosing a partner for a long-term relationship.
“Research shows that while physical attractiveness is often among the most important traits people want in a romantic partner, it doesn’t actually top the list for men or women,” said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute. at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. “Traits like intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness tend to be at least as important, if not more so.”
Some men have internalized an “either/or” view of women: those who are excellent wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to Chicago-based sex therapist Dr. Elizabeth Perri.
“I have observed this in male patients who are in the dating world and feel pressure to choose someone who they perceive as ‘wife material’ but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner who is a better fit both.” emotionally as well as sexually,” Perri told me.
How important is sexual attraction in a relationship?
Good sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, help couples achieve a deeper connection, and improve relationship satisfaction.
“If a relationship is a meal, the sexual part should be considered an integral part of it, like protein, rather than a frivolous part like dessert,” says Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York City.
“In my experience, it is possible for women to cultivate desire for a partner with considerable effort, but if a man does not desire his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he will never desire her,” Dillon told me. Why count on sexual attraction to come later when you can prioritize it in your partner and enjoy the benefits from the beginning?
Still, lower levels of sexual attraction aren’t always a problem for couples, said sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.
“For some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, a lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when one tunes into social expectations around sex and desire,” said Fulbright, an associate professor in the department of sociology at American University in Washington, DC.
“A lot of pressure is being put on couples to maintain an active and attractive sex life. “People have a sense that there is a type and quality of desire that must be achieved, and any disinterest in that type of desire is seen as a problem that must be solved.”
Some of my therapist colleagues caution against placing too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction.
“We have the misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or there is no relationship potential. That’s simply not true,” said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “Attraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience greater closeness and connection.”
How to put the spark back into a relationship
What should you do if you and your partner are running out of sexual strength? Or if you want to raise the temperature in a relationship that initially had none?
Fulbright warned against giving radical advice. “Only partners can find the best way to manage this challenge in their relationship,” he said.
“Non-monogamy may work for some, but not for others. Couples must decide how honest they should be with each other, to what extent this issue is a deciding factor in whether they stay together or not, and how much weight should be given to this issue in light of other good things they have under their belt. Please,” he added. via email.
Don’t feel like all is lost if you are in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. “It’s often not until our 30s that we feel comfortable enough to ask for what we want in bed,” Dillon said.
But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks that married couples will stop having sex anyway, so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction?
“Many couples in their 50s are able to explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in their 60s, 70s, and older who can expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-create intimacy, sex can still be vibrant and rich,” Dillon added via email.
And keep in mind that your sexual health is a barometer of your overall health. So if you are truly experiencing an unexplained drop in sexual interest, consider talking to your medical provider. Maybe your testosterone levels have really dropped.
Whatever the source of your lack of sexual interest, be honest with your partner. It turns out that honesty can be a turn-on (eventually).