Gwyneth Paltrow’s 2021 Goop Gift Guides Are Out And Men Should Run For The Hills

If Gwyneth Paltrow were to sell a $ 2,000 Moonbeam Dust Bunny, seismographs across the planet would go wild when fans got their Visas and Mastercards.

That is not hyperbole. Gwyneth could sell a sock for $ 500 – barefoot promotes prehistoric wandering while increasing postmodern orgasm – and “Uni Hosiery” would be a trend.

Now I look forward to scrolling through Gwyneth’s Goop Gift Guides. Goop is your lifestyle emporium. The Goop gift guides are what would happen if there was a coup at the North Pole and Santa was toppled by well-groomed insurgents, each sporting a $ 332 Fleur du Mal Bouquet lace strapless bodice.

The Goop 2021 Gift Guides arrived on Tuesday. Now I’m wondering if I should buy my wife the $ 322 Kiki de Montparnasse beaded bandage for Christmas.

That way, he wouldn’t see her roll her eyes under the tree.

But what I hope even more is that I never buy anything that Gwyneth sells.

If there are women who are in love with Goop (the $ 508 Elder Statesman Watchman cap is already sold out), live and let live. I’m not sure why anyone would pay that for a neon pink beanie. But maybe it’s worth it if that woman supervises her kids as they play outside all winter because she splurged $ 46,000 on the Bubble Gum gym with gold-plated and lacquered wood accents.

A personal playground that costs more than a Honda Accord?

I should call my parents and yell at them for the Rubik’s cube they got me in 1984.

The Goop 2021 Gift Guides, broken down into categories, including Lovers, Kids, Hosts, Welfare, Travelers (sic), Cooks, etc., are just as ridiculous as before. Although last year’s $ 2,000 Ouija board has faded into the afterlife. Perhaps the ghosts were spelling: You have been scammed.

But let’s get to the point, which is that Gwyneth Paltrow hates men. Of all the ridiculous things in your new gift guides, the most ridiculous of all can be found in “The Men’s Gift Guide.”

This is promoted with “Whether you want to go vroom vroom, or gin genius, or chop chop, the things to get you there are all here (here!) “. Sorry, what (what?). What does” cin cin “mean? And if you wanted to go” vroom, vroom “, a book $ 250 on “Ultimate Collector Cars” is certainly not the “best alternative to a McLaren,” Gwyneth.

That is misleading advertising. Give me a McLaren and stop talking.

This lunatic is encouraging people to buy men a hideous $ 170 bathrobe with yellow and blue vertical stripes, accented with a red and white belt and cuffs. Why would a man want to crawl into bed every night looking like an Ikea store that was vandalized with candy canes? Why?

Then there’s the “Time Since Watch Launch”, a “futuristic-looking glass tube” that is based on an instrument used by astronaut John Glenn. I’m confused. Glenn needed an accurate device to track time while orbiting Earth. He did not use it to “commemorate the time that passed” since he “stopped drinking,” “became vegan,” or “gave up everything and moved to Costa Rica.” That’s weird, especially for a “one-time-use” product that costs $ 256. It’s like a goose-down comforter that automatically detonates at dawn.

If you open this “gift” at Christmas, just “pull the pin” for something momentous, like your wedding vows or the birth of a child. Don’t waste it after trying the new McRib.

The Men’s Gift Guide is a slap on the exfoliated faces of men. A Bitcoin credit card? So can we score points in the latest crypto Ponzi scheme? A supply of “Balls in the Air” vitamins? So can we stay metabolically balanced as our testicles recede into our bodies because we are stressed about paying our monthly fees to another gift, the “Psychic School”?

Except for teetotalers, I can’t understand why a man would want a bottle of “Spiritless Kentucky 74”, which is marketed as “Kentucky bourbon without bourbon.” Right. That’s like a baseball game without the bats. Gwyneth, this is not “cool.” It’s disgusting. What other gift ideas are you dreaming of for men? How about a chainsaw that instead of cutting branches emits a damask rose fragrance while projecting “When Harry Met Sally” onto the log? What about free weights getting electrocuted?

This year’s Men’s Gift Guide also includes a $ 700 pair of Therabody RecoveryAir Full Leg Compression Boots. Perfect for the guy who has lost all sensation in his lower extremities after doing his Goop duties. Or maybe he got hurt by the $ 97 “Forever Jump Rope,” which is why he’s now limping on his way to Costa Rica to live under an assumed identity where Goop can’t smother his soul with DIY ramen kits and Crater cups. Lake and shame. -inducing “baggy sweats”.

I’m hunched over because my new $ 161 Tanner Goods Canyon Crossbody pinched my sides as I leaned over to put on my $ 253 washable leather shoes. I hunched over after realizing that Goop is what happens when retail is inspired by a Frankenstein mix of Dr. Ruth, Herbalife, Victoria’s Secret, Martha Stewart, Saks Fifth Avenue, Frederick’s of Hollywood, Gucci, Body Shop, Lovehoney and, most of all, PT Barnum.

But even that peddler wouldn’t have had the stones to sell a $ 10,500 Chanel sled.

Goop 2021 Gift Guides are out now and men should be running for the hills.

With any luck, you might still find a $ 5,000 spot in a Swedish mirror treehouse.