ASK AMY: The estranged daughters mess with Christmas

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Dear Amy: I am a widow with three grown daughters, all of whom live nearby.

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My two oldest daughters stopped talking to each other shortly after my husband died eight years ago.

There were no big fights, just a slow simmer of resentment.

My youngest daughter and I spent years begging them to figure things out, to no avail. It is an unsettling situation, but eventually we realized that this is not something we can fix.

After the older girls stopped talking, my oldest daughter refused to attend any family events her sister attended.

Consequently, he hasn’t shared a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with all of us in years.

I have continued to organize these events as usual, emphasizing that everyone is invited. However, my oldest daughter has chosen to visit me on Christmas morning rather than share a meal with her sister and spends Thanksgiving with me only in the rare year that my middle daughter is not in town.

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Here’s my problem: Two weeks ago my oldest daughter told me that she doesn’t think it’s fair for her sister to get Christmas dinner and only see me in the morning. She insists that I change them this year.

This puts me in a terrible situation. I don’t know how I am supposed to tell my middle daughter and grandchildren that they are not invited for the latter part of Christmas and that they should be away from home by noon.

My youngest daughter tells me that this is an unreasonable request, that this is not my problem, and I must continue to emphasize that I will be the host as I have always done with everyone included.

Still, I feel like everything I do, I’m the bad guy.

How should I handle this?

– Frustrated

Dear frustrated: You must not give in to your eldest daughter’s demand. If she gives in, then next year she might decide she wants to “have it all for her” on Christmas Day.

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He doesn’t say so specifically, but his middle daughter doesn’t seem to be making these specific demands on him. If her older sister showed up for a Christmas meal, I suppose she and the kids would find a way to handle it.

You are not the “bad boy”. You are the mother and you should do the mother thing: “I don’t have favorites. I am organizing Christmas dinner as usual and as usual I would love for you to come! “

I might add that a great Christmas gift for you would be for these two sisters to reconcile, at least to the point where they can be peacefully and respectfully in each other’s presence during holiday meals.

Dear Amy: I try to be a good friend. Many of my friends have told me that I am a good listener. I am supportive and useful.

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I am happy to do this for my friends as this is how I would like to be treated.

I am lucky that many of my friends reciprocate.

However, two of my closest friends are very absorbed in their own concerns, which are undoubtedly serious problems.

That being said, whenever I see or communicate with them, they dump all their problems on me, sometimes going into great detail about every little thing that goes wrong, for hours on end.

How can I let them know that from time to time I would like them to ask me how I’m doing, or maybe just have a lighter conversation?

I am happy to help and I am happy to listen, but I am not your therapist.

How can I restore balance in the relationship?

– Out of balance

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Dear outside: The way to say things kindly is to say things kindly, and do it deliberately and thoughtfully before LOSING IT and saying things you can’t take back.

Try this: “I hope you feel supported and heard. I really care! But I also have concerns, concerns and also joys that I would like to discuss. Can you make a space for me? It would mean a lot.”

Dear Amy: “Upset Neighbor” was upset because he was not notified of a neighbor’s death.

I am glad that you have pointed out all the challenges faced by family members who survive when a parent passes away.

After my own mother’s death, a former neighbor of hers chided me for not calling her to let her know.

It is not useful.

– Duel

Dear Duel: It’s extremely difficult to come to terms with someone else’s disappointment when you’re reeling and overwhelmed.