ASK AMY: Memorial Service Causes Acute Anxiety

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Dear Amy: My mother-in-law passed away last month.

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I asked my wife if she would be willing to delay her mother’s memorial service for three to four months until COVID recedes, but she and her siblings have decided to continue with a memorial service next month.

My wife’s mom lived 2,000 miles away from us, so we had to fly to the memorial service.

There will be a church service and then a meal, where people will share their stories.

The meal will be outdoors or in a banquet room (depending on the weather).

Many of the attendees have been vaccinated against COVID.

I am 64 years old and have been vaccinated.

I have some health problems that are not currently on the high risk factors list.

I would rather not attend, and I get anxious when I think about flying and being in a group setting.

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I would like to visit your home with my wife sometime next year and pay my respects at that time.

However, my wife and her siblings may feel that I am being disrespectful if I do not attend.

All other family members currently plan to attend.

Do you have any guidance?

– in conflict

Dear in conflict: I venture that your reluctance to take this trip is based more on your floating anxiety than specific risk factors for your own health, understanding that the general fear of contracting COVID is overwhelming, for you and for many.

The pandemic has brought many of us to a state of high alert, and existing in that state, especially while we are also isolated, is particularly exhausting and paralyzing.

I cannot advise you if you should take care of this. You are obviously very anxious about it; you obviously don’t want to. Tip-toe out into the world in stages would be easier for you than hopping on a plane for a long flight.

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Regardless, while you could be exposed to COVID pretty much anywhere, I am not aware of any major outbreaks in the last year as a result of a flight.

Staying home is always the safest. Staying home prevents a drunk driver from hitting you on the road. Not being around other people will vaccinate you against colds, allergies, and emotional exhaustion.

But as Robert Frost wrote, “… the best way out is always through.”

Your goal should be to “pass”.

Talk to your wife. Given the level of her concern, it might be easier for her if she stayed home.

I recently attended a memorial service through ZOOM, and it was both moving and charming.

Dear Amy: This is a minor issue, but I would appreciate your input.

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I have white hair and I think I look good wearing black.

When I’m in public with an acquaintance or coworker, I may be in the middle of a sentence when some people suddenly look at my black shirt and then say, “There was a hair on your shirt.”

They seem to feel compelled to do this.

I feel like an orangutan.

I have sometimes said, partly in jest, “I feel like I’m being fixed.”

Are you doing me a favor by pulling one of my white hair out of my shirt?

Is it the same as if I had food on my face or if my pants were unbuttoned?

Should I feel embarrassed, but grateful that this is pointed out to me?

I’m about to give away all my black tops.

– White on black

Dear white on black: When people do this, they are not doing you a favor; They are treating their own discomfort by removing something that distracts them and draws their attention away from you.

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You may never feel this urge to smooth, straighten or wax (nor do I), but I agree with your instinct that doing so is kind of a compulsion for people who can’t seem to resist.

Dear Amy: I would like to thank the “Old Veteran” for expressing the same discomfort that I feel when people thank me for my military service.

I don’t regret being in the military but since the war I served in (Afghanistan) didn’t seem to lead to anything positive for anyone, I don’t think anyone has anything to thank me for.

– Another old veteran

Dear Veteran: I had a great response to the heartfelt letter from this Vietnam veteran, most of them compassionate and understanding.

Regarding their own service, it seems that people know how to start wars, but do not know how to end them.

Your willingness to serve inspires gratitude, regardless of the outcome.