ASK AMY: Long Distance Family Visiting Causes Pain

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Dear Amy: My wife and I recently visited our cross-border family for the first time since COVID struck. We insist on no vaccination protocol for my wife’s family, even though all unvaccinated children are in school.

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We only apply a protocol to my mother, who is not vaccinated, but also extremely insular (she is the guardian of three disabled children and rarely leaves the house or receives anyone).

We said we would not meet her inside due to her vaccination status. We would only see her in the yard.

I told my wife that it hurt me that we did this, and she expressed regret for that, but would not reconsider her choice.

I even showed him that unvaccinated children on his side of the family probably posed a much higher risk to us.

She was unfazed.

Now the visit is over, but I’m swimming in a fog of guilt and depression over it. I tried to tell her that this hurt me a lot and that she doesn’t seem to care.

She reminds me that she changed “the rules” for seeing my mother, although my wife also rides public transportation every day, presumably with several unvaccinated people at one point.

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Is the vaccination status so sacrosanct for adults that the family should be treated in this way? Am I right to keep feeling hurt? Am I right to be alarmed that my pain is worth so little to this woman?

– Pro-Vax-but-feeling-groggy

Dear Pro-Vax: You let your wife forbid you to be around your mother. Yes, it appears that she is making the rules for both of us, but modifying those rules when it suits her.

Although he frames his wife’s no-contact rule with the intention of protecting both of them (primarily her), close contact with his unvaccinated mother and those in her care, as well as possibly unvaccinated family members it could put them at risk. .

The CDC states that in July, “new data began to emerge that the Delta variant was more infectious and was leading to greater transmissibility compared to other variants, including in some vaccinated people.”

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“Some data suggest that the Delta variant could cause more severe disease than previous variants in unvaccinated people. In two different studies from Canada and Scotland, patients infected with the Delta variant were more likely to be hospitalized than patients infected with Alpha or the parent virus that causes COVID-19. Even so, the vast majority of hospitalizations and deaths caused by COVID-19 are in unvaccinated people. “

This information is updated frequently; Always check CDC.gov (search for “Delta variant”) for the latest recommendations.

This does not speak of the treatment his wife has given him, who has hurt him. I agree that her lack of compassion is alarming, but I hope you understand that, for now, you probably did the right thing for your mother and those in her care by keeping your distance.

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Dear Amy: I have a problem that bothers me a lot.

He had a twin sister who died last year during the pandemic. We were very close.

My problem is that she was in a nursing home and of course she could not receive visitors.

She died when I was alone and that hurts me a lot.

I realize that other people have lost a loved one, but how can I get over this loss?

– Duel

Dear Duel: I am very sorry for what you (and so many others) are going through. The prospect of not being able to be physically with a loved one at the end of your life is absolutely heartbreaking. And losing your twin, I can only imagine the impact of this loss.

The way to get through grief is one day at a time. Companionship and friendship help. Talking, crying, or sitting quietly with people who know how to listen before jumping in will help.

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In my family, we have a saying: “We stick with it.” I hope you find people to accompany you. A good place to start is by contacting your local hospice. Ask about grief groups. Force yourself to attend a meeting (virtually, if necessary) and let other people guide you.

Dear Amy: You advised “BFF in the West” to hire her best friend as her real estate agent!

Absolutely not. Never get involved with friends in a company where the stakes are high.

– Been there

Dear been there: The success of this would depend on the temperament and professionalism of all parties.

I agree that there is a risk involved.