ASK AMY: Dad who hasn’t divorced yet wants to put a ring on her

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Dear Amy: My marriage of almost 16 years ended three years ago.

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My estranged wife is mentally ill, mentally abusive, and alcoholic.

Since their separation, she has been in rehab twice and spent a month in a mental institution.

I filed for divorce. My ex has not fully complied with any kind of agreement.

I am at my second attorney and we are on track to take him to trial.

After we broke up, I met a wonderful woman, and we’ve been dating for two years (about when I filed for divorce).

My new love is a single / working mom. I have custody of two children, so spending time together is challenging sometimes, but we found a way to make it work.

I bought an engagement ring nine months ago.

I really didn’t expect my divorce to take that long.

Obviously, I cannot get married until my divorce is complete.

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My girlfriend knows I want to marry her and she knows I have the ring, but the engagement will be overshadowed by the fact that I am still legally married.

My girlfriend hates the idea of ​​being the “other woman” on paper; although she is not.

I want to be respectful to my future wife and daughter, but I also want her to know how special she is to me.

Do I wait a few more months or do I give you the ring now?

– Stuck in transition

Dear beaten: You and your partner should continue to make plans together, but you must wait to give him the ring and get “officially” engaged.

One reason for this is that giving you the ring could actually delay your divorce.

If your wife does not sit down at the table and learns that you are eagerly moving forward with your plans to marry, the knowledge of that may inspire her to delay longer.

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Another reason to wait before giving the ring is to show all your children that although life is complicated (they already know), there is an order in things and you are behaving accordingly.

Dear Amy: While my husband and I were planning our wedding, my (now) in-laws were overly interested in our wedding colors, asking for swatches, updates, and accent colors.

She was constantly receiving calls and text messages from her five siblings, her spouses, her children, and her parents.

My husband assured me that they just wanted to coordinate their outfits with the wedding colors.

It seemed strange. Yes, they came dressed as members of the wedding party, but it didn’t really bother me.

Over the years, I have noticed that at every wedding, my large in-laws dress up to match the wedding party. They have sometimes been mistaken for family members or the bride and groom’s wedding party.

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I asked them about it and they seem to think it’s basic wedding etiquette, even to the point of acting like I’m making a horrendous wedding misstep when I don’t.

I feel like it’s a bit rude or presumptuous to wear wedding colors when you’re not at the wedding (unless specified on the invitation).

My sister recently got engaged. My mother-in-law already asks you about your colors. My sister has asked me to address the coordination issue with them, so they don’t all show up looking like members of the wedding party.

How do I approach this issue with them? Everyone is convinced that it is abysmally rude NOT to coordinate their outfit with the wedding party. It is?

– Clueless guest

Dear clueless: The reason wedding guests sometimes ask about wedding colors is actually the opposite of what their in-laws seem to think – it’s to avoid looking like members of the wedding party.

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Some married couples try to coordinate the color of the entire event, but the traditional idea is that the bride and groom and their attendants and parents should stand out, and the guests should be the multi-colored confetti tastefully dressed in the background.

Tell your in-laws that your sister’s color scheme is “… top secret. She doesn’t want to color coordinate with the guests. But the bride says she is definitely dressed in white. “

Dear Amy: Your response to “Tired,” the woman yawning with her furious boyfriend, missed an important point. Tired, she should talk to her doctor and have a sleep study done. It can be done at home and it is very possible that it will show that you have sleep apnea.

Your symptoms sound like mine. Sleep apnea isn’t just exhausting and inconvenient … it’s dangerous.

– Awake

Dear awake: Good advice. Thanks.