SATIRE: What does Trudeau really mean when he says sorry? Marie-Danielle Smith imagines the prime minister’s latest apology.
Sorry. From the bottom of my heart. Actually. Things haven’t been going very well lately. And for that I apologize.
I’m sorry I created a federal holiday for reconciliation and then I went and spent part of it on vacation. I’m sorry I didn’t go to Kamloops instead. I am sorry that my itinerary said that I would be in “private meetings” in Ottawa and did not mention my flight to Tofino.
I am especially sorry that this stay has attracted national attention. Because-cough-fish-wrap-cough“We should all have focused on reconciliation.” So my regret, most of all, is that you took advantage of my trip instead of spending the day silently reflecting.
The thing is, I keep saying “I’m sorry” over and over and over again. But what saddens me the most is that my apologies never seem to satisfy you. Even when I use all the correct words.
Because, on behalf of Canada, and all Canadians, I have publicly apologized for some really important things.
READ: Trudeau arrives at the beach in Tofino. At least he’s not surfing.
You may recall some of my many apologies: I was sorry about the Komagata Maru. And about MS St. Louis. I apologized to the Italian Canadians. I apologized to LGBTQ Canadians. I apologized, more than once, to emphasize the point, to the indigenous survivors of the residential schools. And I apologized better than Harper.
Not only have I been willing to take these historic mistakes on my shoulders, but I have also been willing to say that I am sorry for my own innocent mistakes. This is the kind of magnanimity Canadians deserve. But somehow it is not suitable for you.
I lowered my chin in regret in recognition of many things that everyone decided to make a fuss about. Bottom line: I apologized for my elbow. I regretted Aga Khan’s vacation. (Although it was actually very nice). I was dismayed that the Creston reporter remembered the events differently than I did. He was sorry for the blackface incidents and for the fact that he couldn’t tell how many there had been. For God’s sake, I even admitted a mistake, at least the mistake you all seemed to think I made, when it came to WE Charity. We … I mean, I … I was so expressively sorry for that. Couldn’t you say it?
Even after all these apologies, it’s like you’re asking for more. So I’m telling you again. I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry! I have learned my lesson! Ok? Are we done now? How come this doesn’t work?
You might think you should regret not following countless other Truth and Reconciliation Commission calls to action, rather than choosing the easiest to implement (a legal federal holiday) and then not even observing it myself. Okay, sorry, okay? I’m working in it. I just … sometimes work on it from Tofino. I would like you to stop focusing on the boil water notices and start focusing on how sincere my apologies have been.
You might think that I should regret calling elections in the midst of the pandemic, because my numbers seemed good for a majority government. You might think that I should apologize for declaring victory when my party didn’t get the most support, when such a small part of the population really wanted me in charge. Well, look, sorry, I guess. But it’s really not my fault that our votes were so efficient.
So he says that I should apologize for not implementing the electoral reform. (Although some of you who would have said it a year ago are biting your tongue now. Thanks, Max.) He says I should also regret disappointing you with a myriad of other promises. How to forget about drug therapy. Or help a brother in SNC-Lavalin. I’m really sorry you feel that way, okay? I really apologize for how difficult it is to rule.
Oh, and now you think I should regret not surrounding myself with “more critical staff”? Do you think I should regret not bringing “new blood” to my office? The people who would tip me off when my vacation habits were going to look suspicious to the, I’ll just go ahead and say it, fish wrap press? At least then I’d be safe instead of regretting it, right?
Well, my sincere apologies. Look, I really like my friends. They never ask me to apologize in private. Loving means never having to. I’m sorry you don’t love me like they do. I’m sorry that “sorry” never seems to be enough.