SEX FILES: Defending sexual boundaries from vanilla shaming

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When I told an ex-partner I didn’t want to be choked in bed, I acted shocked.

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“Based on what you write about, I thought you’d be into this kind of thing. I’m surprised you’re so…vanilla,” I scoffed. The implication was that I was boring and unadventurous. be careful

The experience left me feeling belittled and unsettled. Why should I have to defend my sexual boundaries to anyone?

It wasn’t until recently that I discovered the vocabulary to describe what I experienced (outside of it just feeling gross and wrong): vanilla shaming.

The term has gained traction thanks to #FreakTok, a corner of TikTok, where users brag about rejecting “normal sex,” showcase intercourse injuries, and talk down to others for being “boring” or “vanilla.” The result is a misguided space that dangerously obscures the lines between sex-positivity and violence, in a way that has experienced sex educators concerned.

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While “vanilla” may be trending on TikTok, the term isn’t new. “Vanilla has long been used in the kink/BDSM world to differentiate those kinds of play from “old-fashioned” sex, basically — you know, touches and kisses and bodies connecting, without bondage, impact and intense sensation play, and all the other variations that put behavior into the kink world,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., and Good Vibrations staff sexologist.

As Queen explains, “vanilla-shaming” is when you call someone out “for having or wanting vanilla sex and having boundaries around what they prefer to experience.”

One of the reasons this trend is so problematic is because “vanilla sex” was never meant to have negative connotations. Queen says it’s basically, “a metaphor to remind us that there are many kinds of ice cream to choose from! The intent was to show that some people liked different flavors — or toppings on their vanilla.”

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Similar to ice cream, many of us have preferences as to what kind(s) of sex we enjoy or want to experience. “The danger lies in the shaming — and the context of coercion that can come along with it since there are underlying reasons to shame someone in the first place: to shun them; to behave abusively to them and destabilize them, and to get them to do what you want and humiliate or insult them if they don’t,” says Queen.

While FreakTok has co-opted the sex-positive movement, “sex-positivity developed to put an end to judging others for their sexuality,” says Queen. In other words, shaming someone for their personal preferences is anything but sex-positive.

And yes, you can be sex-positive and enjoy (or prefer) vanilla sex. As Queen notes, “sex-positive” is not a synonym for ‘kinky.’ People can be sex-positive if they’re virgins, asexual, celibate, or abstinent. They can be sex-positive if they’ve never enjoyed sex, or if there is only one thing about sex they like…as well as if they like everything they’ve ever tried.” Simply put, “sex-positive” is a point of view about sex; it says absolutely nothing about what you do and do not engage in (or want to engage in),” she says.

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No one should have to feel pressured by friends, sex partners, or random people on the internet to engage in experiences they don’t desire. “If you are feeling judged by TikTok #freaks, be aware that these people aren’t the arbiters of sex, good sex, sex-positivity, kink, sex information, or anything but their own point of view,” says Queen.

Instead, Queen encourages people to seek out content that affirms and informs. “Look for sex educators who help you discover the community and context where you can be who you are without shame,” she says. They’re out there.

Having personal boundaries are central to having a healthy and satisfying sex life. Like any good ice cream shop, we should feel free to add whatever toppings we desire. As Queen reminds us, “there is NO shame in enjoying the sex you enjoy, providing it is consensual and doesn’t hurt others.”