Purifying fever, by Juan José Millás

My body has reacted to the third dose of the vaccine with the symptoms of a attenuated flu from which I observe the problems of the world and my own with an indifference not without curiosity. I mean that, on the one hand, I don’t give a damn about everything that happens, but, on the other, I would like to see the mechanism by which things happen or stop happening. If the world were a toy, I would take it apart to study each of its partsAlthough it took me forever, as another symptom of this reaction is that I am not in a hurry at all. Not to dismantle the world, if that were possible. Time has expanded in such a way that every second of my life stretches and stretches like chewing gum or rubber band, apparently without danger of breaking.

I am not a toy either, but I can disassemble myself more easily than with which political or economic analysts dismantle reality. In fact, this is what I do on the couch in my therapist’s office, disassemble myself in the hope that when I reassemble, the pieces will fit better than on the previous occasion. I have disassembled and assembled myself a thousand times in that consultation and I can assure you that the story of my life, after each new operation, was more coherent. My goal is that, in one of those, the coherence reaches 100%. The problem is, I have to do it before they send me straight to the junkyard. In the scrapyard there is no longer any salvation for the ‘me’. There may be it for the liver, if someone is transplanted, or for the corneas, if they are placed in other eyeballs. But the ‘me’ or the ‘ego’, as you prefer, subjectivity, in short, will be lost forever.

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Looking at my life in the light of the scant tenths of fever provided by the third dose of the vaccine, I must admit, without doubt, that everything in my existence has been the result of a succession of misunderstandings. Things have turned out the way they have without the need for a plan, a strategy. I never wanted to be me or to be another, or to be just. Now, I don’t see anything dramatic in all of this. Not today at least. Hopefully this kind of attenuated flu, which includes four tenths of a cleansing fever, would last forever.

Reference-www.elperiodico.com

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