In my show dranancy.com We talked about this topic “Between women”. Many years ago, at a meeting I was attending with my husband, a person spoke about his prostate operation. The consequence was erectile dysfunction. In other words, the “tummy” (the penis) did not work, he no longer had erections.
They also took away testosterone, to worsen sexual response, since this hormone increases desire, among many other things. He said they were happy like that; but I, who studied Neuro-Linguistic Programming, looked at the non-verbal language of the wife. Her eyes were full of tears and her face spoke of anger, of feeling not taken into account. His silence said it all.
This is the best example of how couples fail due to lack of communication. In that situation, he decided for her and ended their sex lives. Their expressions confirmed that this woman was not happy like this.
Women don’t need penetration, men do. But this man never took into account what his wife was thinking and feeling. This is a form of aggression against the partner.
Remember that every human being needs to meet three needs as a couple:
- Feel loved
- Feel understood
- Feel cared
If this is not fulfilled, the couple falls apart. Without communication it is impossible to meet those needs. Relationships are like a minefield: any mistake when stepping causes a bomb to explode. In the couple we are dealing with everything that we lived in childhood, with the unresolved issues of childhood, self-esteem, emotions and affections.
If we are not connected – and with our emotional needs fulfilled – with excellent communication and emotionally well with the other, the desire goes away. Sex is communication. If there isn’t, the desire goes away, says Mary Santana.
Tell me how your sex is going and I’ll tell you what marriage you have. The problem is when sex is taken as revenge. Dr. Banchero tells of a woman who fights with her husband, and in revenge she does not have sex with him for a year. Finally, he looks for a lover. They are still together, but she only has sex with him once a year, as punishment.
Others manipulate with sex. Sometimes women or men use sexuality as a weapon of war. But, that doesn’t work, it just destroys couples!
Murray Bowen speaks of “differentiation”, which is nothing more than being yourself, a solid being that acts according to your beliefs and values. If the woman or the man cannot act as they are, the desire goes away. Be careful with this.