SATIRE: On this Cabinet swearing-in day, we humbly suggest an additional pool of staff who could prove helpful in the days ahead.
The announcement of a new federal cabinet means a new set of offices, with ministers covering the full spectrum of policies and priorities on the government plate.
Looking back at Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s first two terms, we humbly suggest an additional staff pool that could prove useful in the days ahead.
Here are our hypothetical additions.
Minister of Damage Control and Monitoring of the Prime Minister’s Travel Itinerary for Optics Problems: This portfolio is busy with files such as double checking the PM’s invitation inbox; actually read the Conflict of Interest Law; and find out who owns the vacation rental or island in question.
Minister of the middle class and those who work hard to join it: An updated version of the role of “Middle Class Prosperity Minister” that would focus even less on defining the middle class and even more on congratulating hardworking Canadians for working hard.
Minister of Prevention of Democratic Reform and Associate Minister of Voting Efficiency: Responsibilities include issuing warnings about dissident parties while determining minimum margins for victory in key districts.
Minister of memes, well distracting hair and spilling hot tea: A new role designed to engage youth and neutralize the popularity of certain opposition leaders on certain social media platforms.
Minister of solemn acceptance of responsibility on behalf of those truly responsible and chief curator of sincere sounding apologies: Used for committee testimonials, historical apologies, personal apologies, and non-apologies designed to cast doubt on who remembered what events and how.
Minister for Jurisdictional Gaps, Quebec Expectations Management and Equalization Relations: An interparty consultative role focused on pleasing both Quebecers and the rest of Canada (but especially Quebecers) with the vaguest possible language on constitutional issues.
Minister of Exceeding Expectations, Exceeding Benchmarks, Moving Goal Posts, and Making Sure No One Remembers the Missing Mandate Letter Tracker: An opportunity to go far beyond “Deliverology” to many other “ologies” aimed at optimizing government productivity and improving its use of jargon.
Minister to remind the rest of the cabinet about the existence of Alberta and other provinces west of Ontario: The minister would come equipped with maps and pronunciation guides for hard-to-remember places like “Saskatchewan” and “Manitoba.”
Minister of Whataboutism and Wedge Problem Management: A public-facing post focused on the vaccination status and commemoration of the Harper administration.
Cheerleader Minister, summoning troops and keeping hope alive after successive disappointing elections: It’s a great job.