Behind the door | From Serial Monogamist to Delighted Polyamorous

The Press offers you each week a testimony which aims to illustrate what really happens behind the bedroom door, in privacy, far, far from statistics and standards. Today: Anne*, early forties

Anne was “serially” monogamous, as they say, a bit like everyone else, for a good part of her life. She has just plunged into polyamory and she can’t believe it. It’s “crazy”, “luminous”, in short, “thank you life”!

When we meet her earlier this week, we can’t help but wonder why everyone seems to be polyamorous these days. THE New Yorker asked the question earlier this winter: “How did polyamory become so popular?” » In our email box, testimonies to this effect are multiplying.

” It’s spring ? », ventures Anne, in her early forties, laughing. “I don’t know if it’s a trend,” she continues more seriously, “but let’s say that for progressives, it’s very much in the spirit of the times. »

We sit in his bright kitchen to hear him tell his story. But before moving on to happier things, you should know that our interlocutor was sexually assaulted as a child. “I buried it very far away in a box,” she says, and we understand that she won’t reveal more, other than telling us about the “traumas” that come back to her sporadically to this day. Sometimes, she indicates, in the act, her body downright “shut down” “. “I still have it with my husband…” We’ll come back to that.

Very young, she continues, Anne felt torn between a strong “desire for connection” and “apprehension”. She sees an obvious link: “The choice to be with a stable person, she analyzes, is a bit of a remedy for fear, for the fear of men…”

Except that her “serial” relationships all end with “deceived boyfriends”, she notes, as a prelude to her “polyreflection”, if we can put it that way. “I had difficulty combining my desires and this kind of normative script of monogamy. But I wouldn’t have said it like that when I was a teenager, she explains with a laugh. I would have said that I wanted several people, but that wasn’t the deal. (…) But there was no option! »

Still, she had her first boyfriend around 15 and has “painful” memories of him. “When you have trauma, it comes out… It’s not fun, your body is stiff, you’re not welcoming…”

A few relationships follow, and almost as many betrayals, before Anne falls, in her mid-twenties, on her current husband, the father of her children. “It’s been 20 years!” “, she said proudly. Sexually? “Oh, my God,” she said, smiling even more, “it’s like I’ve found home!” » Desire, madness, “combustion”: “He is someone who is assertive and who is not afraid that I am too. A meeting of equals. » In short, happiness. One example among a thousand: “My boyfriend from before, we couldn’t masturbate together,” she illustrates. There: do you want to masturbate? It’s cool. Do you want to masturbate together? It’s cool. Do you want to do this in a public place? It’s cool ! »

Two pigs who meet!


Of course, sometimes his famous traumas come back. But as the gentleman knows her by heart, he knows how to “welcome” her. “And it ends with a hug,” she illustrates, full of gratitude. It’s going to be fine…”

Everything is going well, and in the “combustion” for 10 years, “until the children, then let Anne go. Yes, it’s really boring…

It’s because she’s going through a big postpartum period. “As I had trauma at a young age,” she explains, “when my children were born, I had to find a way for my body to process,” she says. It was like I was seeing my early childhood again. (…) It was really difficult…”

They are going through a few “lean” years here. ” It’s hard (…). There is a lot of resentment on both sides, the fluidity we had is lost. (…) It took a lot of patience to get through that. » Patience, certainly, but also therapy, a few sessions with a sexologist, and hours and hours of discussion, at the end of which, believe it or not, they manage to regain their beautiful connection. Not exactly like before, but yes, her relationship is rediscovering a sexuality that Anne describes as “joyful”. They even start to explore again, discover new games, new accessories, etc.

“Which couple would you see us with…?” »Here we are. It’s Anne who asks the question first, who has the gift of sparking them mutually in theory, but which the gentleman is not yet ready to put into practice. Again, the conversation continues here, for hours, months, even years. “There are layers and layers of taboo, shame and script to peel away! », explains Anne. But we were curious. » It must be said that Anne has queer and polyamorous friends, Monsieur does readings, and “it has become a field of interest”. The common objective: to preserve the primary relationship, possibly have secondary relationships, and “above all, secure the family project”, she summarizes, rules and outing evenings included.

One thing led to another, the idea took hold, and the man ended up being ready. Better: he has another woman in his sights. It was a year ago. This time, it’s Anne who falters a little. “The first month was difficult,” she confides. Between theory and practice, it’s a shock. After so many years of loyalty, there is a loss: am I no longer the one and only? (…) Is this the beginning of the end? » But she bounces back, meets someone online in turn.

And the incredible happens. At this precise moment in the interview, his eyes shine more than ever. ” It’s crazy ! I don’t understand anything, it’s been a few months! And… We hit it off! “, she beams. How ? “It’s funny, in bed, when you’ve been with the same man for 20 years, it’s vulnerable. But at the same time, it’s very hot, a great trip, really fun! »

Better: when her husband is “in good spirits”, she can even tell him about her antics, and vice versa. “That turns me on even more!” (…) It’s very strange ! (…) And… that leads to some good post-story sex! »

Husband and lover have even met, and eventually, Anne would like to be able to have gang dinners, she dreams. No, everything is not perfect, she concedes, there are sometimes “moments of jealousy” or insecurity. Even “storms”. But they talk to each other, “cross” together, and Anne feels closer to her values ​​than ever. “We have a life to live,” she believes. There, I feel like I’m alive! »

* Fictitious first name, to protect anonymity

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