ASK AMY: A friend’s husband is a bull in her china shop

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Dear Amy: My husband and I are retired. We have a good life in a city we moved to about seven years ago.

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We have been able to make many new friends. I am very pleased with the variety of people in our group of friends.

What I don’t like is that one of my dearest friends, “Meg,” has a husband, “Mike,” who seems to insert himself into all kinds of situations where he would rather he wasn’t.

Mike spends more time on Facebook than Meg, and he seems to be “friends” with everyone in our social circle, which is quite large.

The problem is that this type does not have any filters. He comments on absolutely everything, he is often loud and inappropriate, and sometimes he is vulgar.

I think he likes to be the center of attention.

I don’t really think there is a mean bone in his body, but there are days when just seeing his name on Facebook makes me want to turn off my phone.

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Meg and I are close enough to talk a lot about our marriages, and we both agree that our spouses have their good and bad points. She knows Mike can be a nuisance.

There is at least one other woman in our social community who had similar feelings towards Mike. She told Meg how she felt, and I’m pretty sure it has damaged her own relationship in the long run.

Do you have any advice for me?

I don’t know if I’ll have the patience to put up with Mike in the long run.

– Frustrated friend

Dear frustrated: Based on how you describe this, it seems like your connection to “Mike” on social media is a common trigger for you. So, turn off your mic! If you are not exposed to their constant comments and obnoxious behavior on Facebook, you can leave Mike on a shelf until he is forced to return to his real company.

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Mike is his own man. His wife “Meg” is not in charge of him, so why did his other mutual friend inform Meg of his feelings about the man, instead of responding directly to him? Do not make the same mistake.

The unspoken rule about marriage is: “I can criticize my spouse, but if you do, I will be forced to defend myself.”

Meg knows that her husband is unpleasant and vulgar. He is the bull in your china shop.

Respond to Mike when you are in his presence, but continue to develop your friendship with Meg in his absence.

Dear Amy: I would like to pass on some recommendations for people who are sick and burdened by the well-intentioned but often awkward reactions of other people.

When my husband was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer seven years ago, he wanted some control of normalcy in his life.

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He created a series of limits to be able to live his life as fully as possible in a normal way:

One: You can ask me about my cancer on Monday and only on Monday.

Two: At home we had rooms designated as “cancer-free talk zones.”

Three: For the well-intentioned folks with so many solutions promoting herbal remedies, we said that we had discovered (which we had) that interactions of herbs, etc., could affect your healthcare, so thank you, but we can. ” t use all the ideas.

It took a while, but the conversations of well-meaning people returned to “normal” except on Mondays, when my husband was prepared to face the dialogues.

– Maureen

Dear Maureen, These recommendations are so smart!

Every person facing a serious illness and prolonged treatment deserves a safe space where they can be who they want to be and how they want to be.

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Her husband was proactive in creating limits for himself, but caregivers can also create and maintain limits.

I am sure that many people will adopt these guidelines. Thank you very much for sharing.

Dear Amy: I appreciate the advice you gave to “Curious”, the woman who described her “situation” with a man who shook her and then wanted to seek advice from her once she broke up with him.

Thank you for offering the kind of advice I want you to give me.

She needs to get out. Love your wisdom!

– Great fan

Dear fan: Often times, people say they like my job when I offer them advice that they would also give.

You say that I offer advice that you would like to receive. I appreciate the distinction and thank you very much.